When communication breaks down, parenting doesn’t have to. For divorced parents or separated parents facing challenges, parallel parenting offers a solution.
Not all separations end with a harmonious co-parenting relationship. Some end in silence, arguments, or worse—constant tension that spills over and affects your child’s well-being. If you’ve found yourself in that place, where trying to work together with your co-parent only creates more friction, then parallel parenting might be your best way forward.
I know—because I’ve been there. I’ve tried the texts, the talks, the compromise. But when communication completely broke down, I had to find a way to shield our daughter from parental conflict, without giving up my role as a dad. That’s when I discovered parallel parenting—and it changed everything for our family relationships.
What Is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting is a strategy used when co-parenting in the traditional sense—coordinating, collaborating, being flexible—just isn’t possible. It’s designed for high-conflict situations or cases where communication has become toxic. Unlike co-parenting, parallel parenting allows each parent to raise the child independently while keeping communication to a strict minimum.
Essentially, parallel parents parent separately—it’s not about giving up or shutting down—it’s about creating boundaries that protect your child’s life and give both parents space to develop their own parenting approach without ongoing conflict.
Is Parallel Parenting Right for You?
If you’re constantly arguing with the other parent, getting drawn into toxic text chains, or finding it impossible to agree on even basic things like parenting time exchanges or school events… you’re not alone.
Signs that parallel parenting may be the best route:
- Constant disagreements or tension during handovers
- Passive-aggressive communication (or none at all)
- Children involved becoming distressed or anxious when around both parents
- One parent undermining the other parent’s parenting style
- Involvement of family law attorneys or courts due to persistent conflict
In my case, it reached a point where any attempt to co-parent led to explosive arguments. The stress was affecting me, and worse—it was beginning to affect our daughter’s well-being. That’s when I chose to prioritise calm and consistent routines over forced communication.
How Parallel Parenting Works
In parallel parenting, you both agree on a detailed parallel parenting plan (via solicitors or a third-party if needed), and then… you each stick to your side. No back-and-forth about different parenting styles, no unnecessary chats about routines. It’s not cold—it’s controlled.
Key features of a parallel parenting plan:
- Communication is limited to essentials (e.g. health, medical appointments, major parenting decisions).
- Messages are shared in writing only—ideally through a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard or AppClose.
- Handovers happen in neutral locations (or via school). Some families even use a supervised exchange service.
- Each parent manages rules, routines, and parenting responsibility during their own parenting time.
It may sound rigid, but for families in high-conflict separation, this structure can offer a stable environment for the whole family.
Benefits of Parallel Parenting
Parallel parenting works because it allows parents to make decisions independently while still ensuring both remain active in the child’s life. The key differences from traditional co-parenting include:
- Minimised conflict exposure for children
- Clear parenting arrangements that reduce ambiguity
- Each parent can exercise their own parenting approach
- Major decisions are still made jointly, but everyday choices remain with the parent during their parenting time
- Little direct contact means fewer opportunities for conflict
Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting
From someone who’s lived it, here are some key things that helped me implement effective parenting arrangements:
1. Keep Communication Businesslike
Use parenting apps or emails—not WhatsApp, not phone calls. Limit communication to what’s necessary, keep it neutral, focused on child-related events, and avoid emotional language. You’re not trying to “win” a conversation—you’re maintaining a civil relationship for your child’s schooling and development.
2. Set Boundaries Early
Don’t assume parallel parents need to agree on everything. Parallel parenting works because it allows different parenting styles in each home. Focus on your own parenting decisions, not what the other parent is doing during their parenting time.
3. Be Consistent For Your Child
While rules can vary between the parent’s house, try to keep some consistency—especially around bedtimes, school performance, and extracurricular activities. It helps children adjust between homes more smoothly.
4. Don’t Use Your Child as a Messenger
It’s tempting, especially when direct contact is tough. But children should never feel responsible for managing adult issues like financial responsibilities or divorce proceedings. Keep them out of any conflict.
5. Let Go of Control
This was the hardest part for me. But once I accepted that I couldn’t change how things worked on the other side, I felt lighter. You can’t control your co-parent. You can control your own home, your own tone, and your child’s experience with you.
Supporting Your Child Through Parallel Parenting
Your child doesn’t need perfect parallel parents—they need peaceful ones. What matters most is feeling safe and loved in both homes.
Tips to support your child:
- Reassure them that both parents love them—even if you don’t get along with your former partner.
- Encourage them to speak openly about how they feel about parenting time exchanges.
- Maintain routines, rituals, and quality time during your parenting time.
- Never badmouth the other parent in front of them (even when it’s tempting).
Parallel parenting allows your child to have a calm relationship with both parents—even if those parents can’t be in the same room at school meetings or extracurricular activities.
When to Get Support
Sometimes you need backup with your parenting plan. Whether you’re dealing with narcissistic behaviours, emotional trauma, domestic abuse, or logistical nightmares with medical care arrangements—don’t go it alone.
Consider:
- Family and conciliation courts – to help finalise a comprehensive parenting plan
- Parenting coordinators – if communication is ongoing but strained
- Support charities like Gingerbread – for single parent help and advice
- Parenting classes – to help you navigate this new approach
- Therapy – for you or your child, to process what’s happening
This isn’t failure—it’s proactive parenting.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can parallel parenting turn into co-parenting?
Yes. In some cases, as emotions settle and trust builds, parallel parents might move towards a more collaborative co-parenting and parallel approach. But it takes time—and only if both parties want it.
Is parallel parenting bad for kids?
No. In fact, many psychologists agree that reducing exposure to parental conflict is better for long-term mental health. What’s harmful is chaos and instability—not structure.
Do I need a solicitor to set up parallel parenting?
Not always. But if communication is difficult, family law professionals can help formalise parenting arrangements and reduce ambiguity around joint custody arrangements.
Final Thoughts
Parallel parenting saved my peace—and helped me become a better, calmer dad. It’s not easy, and it’s not perfect. But when co-parenting isn’t working, it’s a structured, respectful way to protect your child’s happiness and give yourself breathing space.
You don’t have to fix the relationship with your co-parent. You just have to protect your relationship with your child.
This article is based on personal experience and parenting research. It does not constitute legal advice. Always consult a family law professional if you need guidance on parenting arrangements.
